For the Curious: How to Get Out of Your Own Way
Because I'm feeling like my own worst enemy this week
Have you ever felt like you are both ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ at the same time? I have felt this way for most of my adult life. Maybe for most of my childhood too. The more I speak to people, the more I know I’m not alone. We all, at one time or another, feel like we need to shrink or grow, in order to fit into this strange old world. Like Alice in Wonderland, we drink the potion to make ourselves smaller, and eat the cake to turn ourselves into giants. We’re consistently reshaping ourselves based on the parameters set by the situations in which we find ourselves.
But the impact of this reshaping often goes beyond the day-to-day. For me, lately, I’ve been finding it in my work life, constantly battling between wanting to shout about the work I’m doing (cool projects! supporting people!) and wanting to stay small. I’m conflicted by having ideas but not feeling able to make them happen because upper limiting beliefs I’ve placed on myself tell me I can’t or I shouldn’t.
It’s easy to try and blame myself for this. To add guilt into the mix of things I’m feeling about not doing enough, or being enough. To tell myself additional stories based on the circumstances, adding more complexity to my feelings. Because that’s the thing - not only do we (I? Am I just talking about myself here?) struggle to be the fullest version of ourselves because of fear, but we add extra layers of stories into the narrative to make it even more complex. Did you know an emotion passes through you in something like 30-60 seconds, but it’s the stories we tell ourselves that linger? So you might feel fleetingly anxious about work - but then you tell yourself you’re not enough, not doing enough, not working hard enough, not growing enough. And it’s these thoughts that trap us in repeated patterns of behaviour.
All of this ultimately results in us getting in our own way. Whether we feel too big or too small, like Alice the doll or Alice the giant, these feelings stop us from doing the thing. From making the thing happen. And tbh, I’m bored of getting in my own way. I wonder if you are too?
So here are some of the things I’ve learned about getting OUT of my own way. There’s a quote I love which is ‘we teach what we most need to learn’ and I’m sharing these with you with that in mind. I need to remember these things as I share them with you.
Show yourself some grace
I just googled the definition of the word grace. It’s not Grace Jones, unfortunately. But we all need to give ourselves a little more grace - but what does that really mean? The dictionary definition is ‘courteous good will’. I find giving others grace so much easier than giving myself grace and I imagine you do too. But what makes us so special we deserve to be treated any different than anyone else? I know the structure of that sentence seems a little damning - but it’s exactly what I mean. Why are we different to those around us? If we’re able to give them grace, why can’t we offer it to ourselves?
For me, giving yourself grace when you’re getting in your own way is about being both patient and kind to yourself. There’s a reason for you being your own blocker - so investigating it with gentleness is a better approach than using it as a stick with which to beat yourself. Know that with the right skills, some time and some space, you’ll get to where you need to be. Because you always have. You always do. Maybe you just need to give yourself a bit of 'courteous good will in the meantime.
Remember your motivation
Motivation is absolutely key for getting out of your own way. It’s so easy to get caught up in the how, we forget the why. Tapping into the why is a surefire way to help you forge forwards. Why did you start? Why does this matter? Why do you want to keep going? Is your motivation intrinsic (i.e you’re doing it because you’re inherently satisfied by doing it) or extrinsic (i.e you’re doing it for some kind of external reward?) There’s absolutely nothing wrong with either. But knowing WHY you’re doing something, or thinking about doing it, goes a long way to helping you actually get it done.
If you’re trying to remember your motivation (cos it ain’t always easy to find), work backwards. If I do the thing, it’ll impact me in this way. That impact will have this effect. The effect of that will lead me to do/be/feel xyz. Motivation is a powerful driver. We just sometimes need a little nudge to remember our why. (There’s a great article on motivation here)
Find your people
As humans, we crave community and connection. According to the New Economics’ Five Ways to Wellbeing, connection is a cornerstone of our lives. And I can believe it. When I’m lonely, I don’t function as well. When I’m with people, I feel more inspired, more hopeful, more courageous. As a self employed person, it’s not always easy to give myself permission to spend time with these people.
Many of us are more disconnected than ever. Our communities have shifted and changed, so we have to seek out connection in different ways. Finding people who share your vision and goals isn’t the easiest thing (and who wants to go to dry and uncomfortable networking meetings? Not me your honour) but there are tonnes of communities that exist to help build connections in our world. It takes some conscious effort to do that, but when you allow yourself to do so, the rewards are bounteous.
Label thoughts as ‘thinking’ so you can stay in the present
I got myself a Headspace subscription in the Black Friday sale. For something like £20, I’ve had access to headspace for 54 days and I’ve meditated every single day (more on that soon) and one of the lessons I’ve been cultivating is to label thoughts as thinking. This is a meditation technique which helps bring you back to the present moment and allows you to stop ruminating on things that may not be useful. I know for a fact that when I’m feeling unsteady in myself, I can spiral into unhelpful thoughts (not enough, too much, nobody cares etc etc) but labelling these as just that helps me keep them in check. When I’m not meditating but notice myself getting carried away with a train of thought, I’m practicing labelling that as a ‘thought’, taking some deep breaths and getting back to the job at hand.
Acknowledge your strengths - and tap into them
When was the last time you thought about your strengths? Hell, I tell every single coaching client to do it, but doing it for myself? Naaaa sis. I’m awful at it. But when we take time to recognise our strengths, we can tap into them. What does this mean in real terms? Well, if you know one of your strengths is how curious you are about things, how can you utilise that curiosity to attack your current challenge? Can you get curious about what the outcome will be or curious about how other people tackle similar challenges. When we use our strengths, we’re scientifically happier, more confident, have higher levels of self esteem, have more energy and vitality, we’re more likely to achieve our goals, perform better at work, and experience more growth. All of that stuff? Surefire things to help you get out of your own way.
Challenge your beliefs - being, doing, having (upper limiting beliefs)
Often we get in our own way because of beliefs we have about ourselves (more of that storytelling stuff). Often these beliefs are limiting. Sometimes they’re upper limiting beliefs which make us feel like we’ve hit our achievement ceiling and there’s no way we could do the things we’re asking of ourselves. Sometimes they’re limiting in other ways - they hamper our self-esteem, self-confidence, self-belief. They can make us feel worthless and lethargic.
Challenging your beliefs can make you more resilient and help you look at what’s holding you back. A really simple exercise for this is to think about BEING, DOING and HAVING. Being is what your beliefs are, doing is how it impacts you and having is what the result of that impact is. And then you can start to think about the evidence for that belief (and when I say evidence, I mean something that would stand up in a court of law, no more stories pls) and ask yourself if there’s any way you can reframe the belief to be more supportive.
Self care, always bebe
I’m not actually talking about mani-pedis when I talk about self care but you know that. That’s not to say a mani-pedi ISN’T great self care - in fact sometimes getting my nails done is the only time my brain shuts up. But self care is crucial for helping you tackle the frogs. Self care is resistance. Softness is essential for living in such a hard world, so remembering to do the things that help you take care of yourself is one of the best ways to make sure your cup is filled so you can get out of your own way. I talk a lot to coaching clients about ‘looking after their SHED’. That’s sleep, hydration, exercise and diet. You don’t have to sleep for 12 hours, run marathons and go on a ridiculous diet. But paying attention to these things is the very basic fundamentals of self care. But these things often slip when we’re giving ourselves a hard time. Self care, always.
What I’ve been working on
For reasons too long and complex to go into here, I was kicked out of my office for most of December and half of January. I’ve had been working from my laptop, balanced precariously on a shoebox in the dining room rather than in my little haven at the end of the garden. I can’t tell you how much difference it has made to my mindset to be back in here. I feel like I can *finally* start my work year properly and this year I’ll be:
- Relaunching my Words for Wellbeing creative health programme
- Coaching with creativity and wellbeing in mind
- Offering coaching for those returning to creative careers after a leave of absence
- Continuing to facilitate (and evolve!) my Confidence and Resilience workshops
- Writing more! More time for my own creative practice pls
- Sharing a couple of v cool projects I’ve been working on
- Working on more cool stuff with Beyond Arts
- Who knows what else?!
Oh and - if you’ve got this far, here’s a little treat from me to you. To help me track my achievements more (so I can use them as a reminder of the times I’ve got out of my own way), I’ve created this End of Week Review. Give it a try and let me know how tracking your achievements helps you, moving forwards.
Want to know more about me and my work? Head to alicemaypurkiss.co.uk
Fab article Alice :)