What does compassion mean to you? Giving compassion to others is something I am almost religious about. I try to hope that, whatever the situation, those around me are doing their best. That as a human race we are ultimately just doing our best. Sometimes that’s harder than others (especially on a global political scale at the moment). But I remain optimistic that, on an individual level, we’re all just doing the best we can with whatever we’ve been given.
Affording myself the same courtesy as I give others comes less naturally to me. I am always more forgiving of others than of myself, I speak to them with kind words when I often have few to spare for myself. Trying to undo the years of conditioning that surrounds the way I speak to myself is a life’s work. Maybe it’s because we’re British. Self-compassion can be seen as selfish. Something we don’t deserve because giving ourselves that credit feels incongruous to the way we’ve been raised (perhaps parentally, perhaps societally, perhaps both) to be. It’s not an uncommon issue. Being able to treat yourself with tender care is something so many of my clients struggle with too.
I love this poem from Derek Walcott. It epitomises self-compassion to me. A huge part of knowing self-compassion is about coming back to yourself, greeting the parts of yourself you find less admirable and accepting them as they are, without judgement. Because, as I’m sure I’ve said before, emotions pass through our bodies in something like 30-60 seconds, but it’s the stories we tell ourselves about them that linger longer than we would like. This poem reminds us that we deserve to give ourselves the bread and the wine as freely as we’d give it to those around us. What makes us so special we don’t deserve the kindness, respect, tenderness and love we give to others? Why don’t we give ourselves the breaks we give to others?
How can we embody self-compassion beyond greeting yourself in the mirror with a smile as Derek Walcott suggests? Beyond being grateful for the bread and water you offer yourself? Well - Kristen Neff, self compassion expert, explains:
Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings… With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
When we live without self-compassion, I think there’s a disconnect between ourselves and our lives. Feeling at odds with ourselves is at best difficult, and at worst destructive. When we are able to be forgiving, accepting and even loving (!!! imagine!) of ourselves, we treat our worth as unconditional - even when the expectations we have of ourselves don’t match up with the reality, when we notice our shortcomings or perceived flaws. But treating ourselves with warmth and patience rather than being hyper critical or harshly judgemental, helps to build our overall resilience. After all, (to paraphrase RuPaul) if you’re not in your own corner, how can you expect anyone else to be?
One of the best ways to begin integrating self-compassion into your life is by treating yourself as you’d treat a friend. When you’re speaking to a friend about difficult experiences, more often than not, we are ultimately compassionate. We may not be able to remove their pain, but we can acknowledge it and validate it. When we do this ourselves, we begin to acknowledge that we’re humans with imperfect characteristics, but those characteristics don’t define our worth.
Keen to explore this more? Try this:
Write a conversation between two people - one of whom is based on you (and shares some of the worries you have) and someone who gives them the ultimate compassion for their experiences. It doesn't have to just be dialogue - you can set the scene etc too. When we remove ourselves from the situation and turn it into a narrative making exercise, we can sometimes see things more clearly and adding a narrative can help us explore things with more ease.
Self awareness can help too. While sometimes this can feel a bit like naval gazing, paying attention to our flaws but not letting them become the whole of who we are can be useful. Being frustrated with your lousy timekeeping is OK. Deciding you’re a bad person because you were 10 minutes late to meet a loved one? Not ok. When we over inflate our shortcomings, forgetting, or completely ignoring, our strengths we get a one-dimensional picture of who we are as humans. But we’re 3D. To forget that is to do ourselves a disservice. It can be helpful to think of your character as an orchestra. There may be certain times when the strings are playing a rousing concerto or when the horns are angrily blaring, or when the drums are pounding. But these elements all add up to create the orchestra of you - just as your characteristics add up to create the person you are.
Even those things we perceive as negative traits can offer us something too. The most obvious example of this is anxiety. You may be anxious about work or a date, a project you’re pursuing. It can be a hinderance, stopping you from doing something positive, but anxiety can also keep you safe. It can alert you when a situation doesn’t feel right, or, when redirected, anxiety can become excitement. Everything you experience makes you who you are, and you are worthy of care and kindness, whatever you try to tell yourself.
Physical touch is another way to practice and strengthen self-compassion. When you’re in the middle of a difficult conversation or you find yourself berating yourself, intentionally placing one hand on top of the other forearm can activate your care system. Just as you might squeeze the hand of a loved one when they’re in distress, you can do the same for yourself. And if it doesn’t feel too awks and the situation allows, a hand on your heart or holding yourself in a tightly squeezed hug can help you give yourself some extra TLC.
That’s not to say any of this is easy. In the complex world we live in and with potentially complex social contexts, identities, cultures and stories, one of the best ways to begin being self-compassionate is to recognise just how hard it is to do so.
But when we’re compassionate to ourselves, the benefits are manifold. Mental and emotional wellbeing increases. There’s a connection between self-compassion and increased immune function, as well as helping you adopt a growth mindset which can help you achieve your goals.
TL;DR - you deserve to afford yourself the same compassion you afford others. Doing so can contribute to living a fuller life where you flourish and are able to deal with complex thoughts with greater ease. It positively impacts health and relationships across the board. So kindness, truly is king.
How will you greet yourself in the mirror beyond today? How will you remind yourself you deserve the wine and bread you’d offer a much loved guest?
Want to fire up your self-compassion muscle? Coaching can help.
What I’ve been working on
Charities across the globe rely on Storytellers to demonstrate the importance and impact of their work. But when charities ask people to share their stories, they're often asking them to relive difficult experiences and they're asking them to carry out the heavy work of emotional labour. As the people asking them to do that work, it's the charity's responsibility to make sure they're doing everything they can to make any conversations they're having with Storytellers as easy and positive as possible.
That’s where I come in. My Storyteller Wellbeing programme, designed to make sure those telling their stories to charities and on behalf of charities are appropriately supported through the process. Through my work, I've worked with CoppaFeel!, Teenage Cancer Trust, Trekstock and Breast Cancer Now, and have pioneered this Storyteller Wellbeing programme for CoppaFeel!
This work includes offering tools for before, during and after working with Storytellers and includes staff training, Storyteller support, policy development, coaching and much more.
Here’s a nice thing someone said about working with me on this project:
“Alice's genuine care can be felt across all aspects of our Storyteller Wellbeing project. She brought the perfect mix of subject knowledge, emotional intelligence, sensitivity and creativity. Her ability to turn all of our many chats into tangible resources, policies and training was expert. We couldn't have worked with anyone better suited for this project.”