For the Curious: How to Break Up with Your Therapist
There are absolutely no songs written about this...
My therapist has been on maternity leave since July. She’d planned her departure carefully.
“You can have whatever reaction you need to this news” she said to me when she told me she was pregnant. “There’s no right way to react to being told that your therapist is going to disappear for several months”.
Of course I congratulated her. My initial reaction was the classic. I was happy because she was happy. I didn’t really think about what it meant for me. Didn’t really consider that it meant I’d be without my port in the storm for five months. Because this wasn’t about me was it? She was bringing another life into the world and that was a beautiful thing!
She offered to introduce me to someone else to hold down the fort. But the idea of filling someone else in on the nuances of my story made my skin crawl. I loved that we’d been chatting monthly for over a year and she knew my hangups, my context, my backstory. I didn’t have to give caveats or explanations. I didn’t have to paint the picture. We had our own shorthand.
Once the baby arrived (early, taking her by surprise) and her mat leave began, I made the decision to protect the time I usually had therapy, treating myself instead to another act of self-care in my therapy window. I tried reiki (LOVE). I went for a float in a sensory deprivation tank (Sheldon Cooper eat your heart out). I had a massage. I protected the time I dedicated to therapy and spent the money I’d usually spend on talking to my therapist on giving myself space in other ways. It was precious. But it wasn’t therapy. It didn’t help me support my work in the same way - the heaviness of working in the cancer space, holding others, navigating my own cancer experiences and my own mental health deficiencies (? for want of a better word. They feel like deficiencies at times). I have supervision but it’s only four times a year at the moment. And so I awaited her return.
But things change. And while I was in Mexico, she emailed me to let me know she’s leaving London and so will be operating online only. Having face to face therapy is crucial for me. I can’t be honest with myself about my needs and feelings in the same space I run coaching sessions and workshops from. I need the space either side of therapy to prepare myself beforehand and decompress afterwards and when I’m at home, I don’t afford myself that.
So. I’ve just broken up with my therapist. There are absolutely no songs written about this.
I’ve had a lot of therapists in my time. I’m a huge believer in the benefits of therapy so I’ve no shame in telling you that. I spend so much time in my own head, I’m happy to let someone else dive in there and spend some time unspooling the threads that are knotted up like they’ve been thrown in a box and forgotten about. I’m not an expert in brains, so why wouldn’t I let someone who is rootle around in my thoughts with me? But this is the first time a therapy relationship has ended when I wasn’t quite ready. Every other time it’s either ended because there’s been a time limit on it (NHS funded therapy is often limited to a certain number of sessions) or because I decided to call time on the relationship for whatever reason.
And finding a new therapist feels a bit how I imagine finding a new partner feels. But rather than swiping left and right on Tinder, your website of choice is the Counselling Directory. You sort the list by your location and then look at a tonne of photos and qualifications and see which takes your fancy, then you have that first date to see if there’s anything there. And then you’ve got to build that relationship from the ground up. You’ve got to set the scene. “Yep I had breast cancer when I was 26. Yeah I still work in the cancer space. Yes sometimes I do find that very hard but I keep doing it because I think it’s important. Oh yes, I also have depression and anxiety that comes in waves. Yes, I spend quite a lot of my time supporting other people because one of my biggest values is making a difference. I absolutely love it and I get so much from seeing people I support thriving but sometimes I can struggle with the cost of that”. It’s a lot.
But it’s reminded me just how much it takes to get people to show up in a coaching setting with me. Whether it’s a workshop, group coaching or 1:1 coaching. Whenever I encounter anyone, they could well be thinking “who’s this Larry and why on earth should I reveal anything about myself to them?” Sometimes people could be encountering me for a one off session or sometimes they could be seeing me for 12 sessions across several months, but I always make a point of saying, “however you arrive, I’m welcoming it. I’m welcoming you” and I guess that’s what I need to remember when I embark on the new relationship with my therapist. They’re creating the best environment possible for me to thrive in, and even though I have to ‘start over’, whatever I’m showing up with, they’re welcoming it. And the details will come in time.
Breaking up is hard to do, but every ending is a new beginning. (Side bar: I wrote about this recently when I was reflecting on the death of Nicky Newman, a trailblazer in the breast cancer community, and my 98 year old Grandad. I was thinking about how their deaths intersect and how my grief for the two of them sat side by side but how death can be an evolution of how we see our loved ones).
I loved working with Eliza so much. She brought me clarity and comfort and helped me unravel some of the complexities of the oversized computer in my skull. I have learned so much from our time together. But perhaps it was time for me to move on. And I know I’ll learn from whoever I find to be my new therapist. Even if the lesson is “wow that therapist is not for me!”. But I will find a new therapist. I’m not ready for life without one. I’ve already got two people lined up to chat to, when I can face it. When the wounds from the break up start to scab over a bit. Maybe when I’ve found a song that nails how it feels? Possibly Trust Exercises by easy life which just came on my Apple music.
Things I’m Loving
Saw Jessie Ware at Ally Pally on Saturday night. She is a queen. Just can never get enough of Hello Love
I bought this coat from Joanie so it was on the doormat when I got back from Mexico. It was a fantastic decision.
I’m reading a few books at the mo. Notably Unwell Women by Elinor Cleghorn which is one of the most readably written pieces of non fiction ever and I’ve been skimming The Book of Do: A Manual for Living which is just beautiful.