Answers on a Postcard: Building Boundaries
No is a complete sentence...but sometimes you need a little more
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I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries recently. It’s one of those terms that’s thrown around so haphazardly, it’s at risk of losing all meaning. But boundaries are essential for taking good care of yourself.
I’ve long been a people pleaser. I say yes to things I probably shouldn’t and I’m always available. And because you attract those who have similar tendencies to you (or as Richard Bach would say, “We teach best what we most need to learn.”) it’s a quality I see in a lot of my coaching clients too. Finding a healthy work/life balance is one of the biggest things people come to me with and developing healthy boundaries is so crucial to that.
What are boundaries?
So - the word ‘boundaries’ is tossed around like glitter by an over zealous 00’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl cliche, but what does it mean? Well, there are a few different types:
Physical - relating to privacy, personal space and your body
Time - how long you can spend doing something or with someone
Mental - freedom to have your own thoughts, values and opinions
Emotional - how emotionally available you are
Material - giving or lending to others (and this can include money too)
Internal - self regulation - how much energy you have to give to others vs yourself
And when we’re able to maintain healthy boundaries in all of these areas, we’ll really thrive. But how do we know what our boundaries are across these areas? And how do we stick to them when someone presses up against our limits or stretches us? And how the hell do we juggle all of them at once? Cos that’s a lot of boundaries to handle.
The truth is, when we really think about it, we know what gets our goat in all of these situations. When we’re really honest with ourselves, we know that we don’t want to respond to work texts when we’re cooking our tea (dinner if you’re from the south - important to include a translation) or we aren’t comfortable being spoken to in a certain way. Most of the time, people aren’t trying to violate our boundaries, we just haven’t articulated what they are to them - maybe because we haven’t understood what they are ourselves in the first place. And the truth is - everyone’s different, cultures are different and things change from social context to social context, so it’s a learning curve for everyone.
Gimme some examples AMP!
Sometimes we feel uncomfortable letting people know what we need because we’ve been taught to make other people comfortable. But you deserve to have boundaries in place so that you can thrive. I want to take a look at some examples of what those boundaries might be for each different type.
Physical boundaries are all about how comfortable you are with being touched, your need for personal space and your physical needs like eating, drinking water and resting. So you might say “I’m really tired. I need to sit down” or “I’m not a big fan of hugging people I don’t know” or “I need to eat. I’m just going to go and grab some food”. Having your physical needs violated is being touched inappropriately or in a way you don’t want, being denied your physical needs (so, for example, being told to keep walking when you’ve said you’re tired) or having someone come into your personal space in a way that feels uncomfortable to you. And these violations can vary from being mild to severe - but they all have an impact.
Time boundaries are set when you say “I can only stay for 30 minutes”. Your time is precious and you know how best to protect and utilise it. Setting boundaries in this way is essential at work, home and socially and is key for not overcommitting yourself. It’s all about prioritising and when you really understand your priorities, in all areas of your life, you’re able to make the most of the time you’re giving to other people. Healthy time boundaries might sound like “It’s family time for us on Saturday, so we won’t be able to make it” or “I’d love to help. My hourly rate for that sort of work is…” or “I’d love to help but my plate is really full right now. Is there another time that works?”
Mental or intellectual boundaries allow you the freedom to have your own thoughts, opinions and values. Mental boundaries can be violated when these are shut down, belittled or dismissed. While this doesn’t mean you should be forced to engage in unhealthy discourse that is racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic (you can 100% shut that shit down), if there’s healthy discourse happening, these boundaries look like saying “I can respect that we have different opinions on this” or “I would love to talk about this more but I’m not sure chatting about it in the middle of Christmas dinner is the time”.
Emotional boundaries are some of the trickiest to navigate IMHO. Being able to tell others we aren’t emotionally available for them can sometimes feel incredibly selfish but I think it’s one of the biggest acts of self-love out there. Because if you’re able to say “As much as I want to support you right now, I don’t have the capacity” it means when you DO have the capacity, you’re able to give the best of yourself to the person who needs it. Setting emotional boundaries means recognising how much energy you’re able to take in, limiting what you share with those who don’t respond well and knowing when and what to share and with whom.
Material boundaries are easier to define. These refer to things - possessions, items, things like your car, clothing, furniture, home and can include money. There’s absolutely no shame or shade in understanding what you’re comfortable with sharing and how you want the things you do share to be treated. You might say: “I can’t lend you any money, but I’m happy to help in another way” or “Sure, I’m more than happy to lend you my BBQ but I’ll need it back by Tuesday”.
Internal boundaries. You know that feeling when someone asks you to hang out and all you’ve done all week is hang out so you can think of nothing worse? And there’s that voice in your head which says “DUDE, SAY NO, YOU NEED THE WEEKEND TO YOURSELF!” That voice is helping you set down an internal boundary. It’s self regulation around energy expended on yourself vs others. All too often, the scales slip in favour of us expending energy on others, but healthy internal boundaries allow us to look after no1 more.
Alright cool. But how do I maintain those boundaries?
One of the things I always come back to when I’m working with coaching clients around boundaries, or anything that might feel a bit gnarly or hard, is the reason for doing it - the motivation behind why you’re doing what you’re doing. How is implementing a firm boundary going to help you?
Say you’re bringing in some boundaries around your working hours for example. You’ve told your team that they can get hold of you until 6pm on a Thursday but at 6.45pm, someone calls you while you’re eating tea with your family. They think it’s urgent. You think it can wait until tomorrow. The people pleaser in you really wants to respond, but you think about the reason you have this boundary in place. It’s in place so that you can spend evenings with your family, because Monday - Wednesday, you get home too late for this. This time is precious. It means a lot to both you and your family. It needs protecting. If you protect these Thursday nights, you notice it makes you less distracted say, which in turn makes you more productive when you’re at work. You look forward to these Thursday nights together, warts and all - because it’s what being a family is about and you get to be part of it. You’re a better parent because of it. All because you’ve put a boundary in place that means you don’t deal with work shit after 6pm.
This is just an example but you get my drift. When you implement a boundary, it has a knock on effect. The more we implement boundaries, the more people respond to them. Consistency helps to reinforce your thresholds and helps your lines become clearly established. And let people know if they cross them. These convos don’t need to be confrontational - just highlight the behaviour that crossed the boundary and assert your threshold. So with the case above, the next day you might say “Sorry I didn’t get back to you yesterday - I don’t work after 6pm on a Thursday but what did you need me for? I’m all yours now!” or similar.
Appreciating others’ boundaries
Setting your own boundaries is all well and good, but it’s absolutely crucial to be respectful of others. Cos if we’re just going around saying I’M EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TO YOU RN but not appreciating it when others do the same? Well. That’s a bit of a dick move isn’t it? Because everyone has their own vibes, other people’s boundaries might be completely different from your own. So if you’re not sure - just ask. It’s alright to say “Would you prefer if I messaged you or called?” or “I have some stuff going on - is now a good time to chat to you about it?”. Questions like this just help to put a framework in place so relationships can be strengthened. Ultimately it’s all about good conversations.
All that said
Don’t overthink it. Boundaries are good and all, but humans are pretty intuitive. We know what we need and we know how to ask for it when we trust ourselves. We just need to get a little better at both.
If any of this stuff around boundaries has got you thinking about how you could work better with yours and you’re interested in coaching with me on this, or anything else, HMU. I’d be happy to help.
Reading: I went to college with the author of The New Life, Tom Crewe and when I read the synopsis of this book I was absolutely fascinated by it. Set in London in 1984, John and Henry set out to write a book they hope will revolutionise the world and create a New Life for those described as ‘sexual inverts’. It is exquisite. Tom’s prose is electrifying and so, so vivid. I messaged him on Facebook to say how much I am enjoying the book and he hasn’t seen it. Maybe his lack of using social media is why he’s finished his novel and I’m still stuck on 36k words. Anyway. Read it, it’s great. Can’t wait to see what he writes next.
Listening to: I joined a choir a few months ago and one of the songs we’re singing this term is Auld Wives by Bears Den. Can’t get enough of it. Such a banger and the bass’ and tenors in our choir, despite there only being a few of them, are very excellent so I’m enjoying their sounds.
Working on: We’re recording a new series of AfterThoughts: The Teenage Years very soon, so we’re on the hunt for new storytellers. If you are, or you know anyone aged 14-24 who has been affected by cancer and wants to share their story with us, please do encourage them to apply here. Applications close on 20th March.
Don’t forget, Answers on a Postcard is space for you to ask questions you’d like me to answer. So if you’ve got a question about coaching, swimming, feminism, writing, creativity, cancer or anything else you’d like me to explore, feel free to drop me an email and I’ll answer it ASAP.