Answers on a Postcard: #2 Not The Addams Family Values - Yours
Welcome to Answers on a Postcard, a newsletter about exploring the wild and wonderful world we live in. I'll be unpicking some of the big questions, sharing some of the answers I’ve found, or I'm finding, along the way as I navigate my way through life. Every issue will ask (and answer) a few of the biggest questions around mental health, cancer, feminism, cold-water swimming and everything in between. And when I say the biggest questions, I mean, all the hard hitting, quality journalism you'd expect from the BBC. Or not.
So let's get to it.
I’ve been back in therapy for a few months now. I don’t really know what prompted the return, but I reached a point where I knew I needed a safe place to go to once in a while and download some of the stuff that happens in my brain. Despite the fact that it’s been almost five years since I was diagnosed with cancer, that’s something I’m still processing and still dealing with. Beyond that, I felt like it was important for me to have almost maintenance therapy - something that meant I wouldn’t have to lean quite so hard on my husband when I was finding things tricky.
I know I’m in a privileged position to be able to pay for my own therapy. I know all about long waiting lists and navigating the way from a self referral form that makes you question everything you know about yourself to a CBT practitioners office and beyond. After several years of counselling and CBT and therapy, I knew what I needed. Weekly sessions funded by an already stretched mental health service was not it. I just needed to cultivate a practice that meant I could look after my head as much as I’ve been trying to look after my body.
So I found my way to Nicky. After a tonne of false starts and therapists who insisted I had to see them weekly, for at least 12 weeks, and pay £60 for the privilege, I found Nicky. My port in the storm.
Finding a therapist can be a nightmare and it’s a process I’m keen to try and help make easier for those who need it (possibly a subject for another time). For me though, a recommendation from a friend meant that I was able to find someone who would work around my parameters. She trusted me to know what I needed. And since then, we’ve worked together once a month to untangle the cats cradle of wires in my mind.
Recently, we’ve been chatting a lot about values. The dictionary describes “values” as: “principles or standards of behaviour; ones judgement on what is important in life”. I’d never thought about my values before. What is it that makes me tick. What is it that makes me do the things I do, drives my decision? Values are a compass that help you figure out which way you should go next, and without them it’s all too easy to get lost. They’re the anchor that can hold you steady when the storm whips up around you. So is there any wonder, that since cancer overhauled my life in 2015, I've felt in desperate need of a map or a plan or someone to tell me what the Jeff I am doing? I hadn't taken the time to reassess, or rather even think about, my values.
A lot of the work I’ve been doing on myself recently has come from a need to feel stronger. I don’t want to be happy all the time. I want to feel the full extent of the human existence. I want to feel the sharp and pinchy bits in the same way I feel the light and joyous bits. I just want the pendulum to swing between the two less ferociously. I work on my mental health every single day because I refuse to live in a world where I’m held captive by my own brain. And I’m not saying knowing your values is a miracle cure for those with mental health issues, but considering them has helped me iron out some of the creases, smooth over some of the stumbling blocks I’m finding in my life.
As kids, we learn our values from our parents, our teachers, our family and those around us. But as adults we have a chance to determine our own. I fully respect my parents values. They instilled in me some of the best parts of me - but there are values I cherish that neither parent considers important for them. Take creativity, for instance. I am a creator of things. It’s a huge part of who I am and makes up an enormous part of my job. It makes sense that creativity is important to me. But my dad? Not so much. My mum? Maybe. But there are other things that matter more to her.
Writing for HuffPost, psychologist Karen Naumann explained why knowing our values can be so crucial to living a more balanced life. “Values are like the mitochondria in a cell. They are our powerhouse. So, living a life where you keep compromising your values, is like a small flame that will eventually burst into a fire, and you'll be the first one to get burned.” And knowing your values can help you make decisions that stop the fire from starting in the first place.
So how do you figure out what your values are? It can be helpful to think about when you were happiest, most proud, most fulfilled and then assign a value to that feeling or experience. Those values can then help you with everything from life, work, relationships, whether to stop drinking, whether to have kids, whether to take that promotion, whether to seize that opportunity. They help you anchor everything you do with a bit more of a purpose. I also did this test which painted an exceptionally clear and accurate picture of my values.
I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm explaining myself. For my job, for the things I do to try and make myself feel better, for the state of my mental health, for still talking about cancer. I feel like I have to explain my choices and my decisions all the time. And, unsurprisingly, this is something I worry about. But taking the time to learn my values, the things that really matter to me, has helped me to start to understand MORE of why I decide the things I do. Knowing the decisions I make are rooted intrinsically in who I am as a person, means that I don't feel the need to defend or explain myself as much. Or if I do, I know why I decided to do one thing or not another. And if I know my why, it's much more difficult for me to berate myself too. I feel most comfortable with myself and the life that I am building, because I'm taking the time to figure out who I am and what I want to do.
To give you an example of what I mean. One of my values is creativity. Another is curiosity. Another is making a difference. Another is compassion. And even though this newsletter might not make me any money, or might not be read by tonnes of people, I know the decision to do it, to dedicate a little bit of time to it every fortnight, makes sense. Because it aligns with those values. And that's a tiny example of a much bigger picture.
Let me know if you take the time to look at your values a bit more closely, and if it helps you figure any stuff out.
Reading: I'm still making my way through The Body Keeps the Score. It's unusual for a book to take this long for me to read, but it's pretty academic and also quite confronting in a lot of ways, so it's not an easy read. We're going away for a week at the end of this month, and then again at the end of next month, so there'll be plenty of reading being done then. I'm also quite behind on my London Review of Books subscription so making my way slowly but surely through them (such a brilliant birthday present).
Also, I really enjoyed this piece by Dayna Tortorici on the life that happens under Instagram, as well as this on witches being empowered women. I LOVED The Cuts list of 78 new emotions based on the theory we have infinite emotions as long as we can name them.
The Word from Sonder and Tell is one of my favourite newsletters. I also loved this post from subscriber and fellow newsletter writer Tiffany Phiilippou on how TV keeps her productive which had lots of parallels with my Gilmore Girls issue. Sign up for her newsletter here.
Listening to: Mara by Jack Garratt. I'm really into Jack Garratt's new stuff. I've been captivated by him for a really long time and he was one of the few gigs I made it to when I was poorly. We saw him at Glastonbury a few years ago and he is honestly one of the most talented performers I've ever seen live. Also, I really love the name Mara. Which helps. Also listening to the last few episodes of AfterThoughts as we get ready to launch soooon. (Date TBC).
Working on: going to the gym and not thinking about my weight. I just got back from a Bootcamp class (which was hard, but surprisingly I survived). I didn't join the gym to lose weight. I joined the gym to get stronger and fitter and to look after this body temple of mine. So why does my mind always take me to a place of losing weight? Because that is what we have been conditioned to think - that skinnier is better. But it's not true and academically, I know that. But it's hard to remind myself of that when I'm staring myself in the mirror as I lift a barbell above my head. So. Something for me to work on.
My big question for you today, how are you feeling? Given the research that we have an infinite amount of emotions if we can name them, I'd like to hear some of your suggestions, beyond those on The Cut article above. I'm currently feeling quite satismug. I'll let you decide what that means and ask you to send me yours. Maybe you've got a word for that feeling when you're laughing so much you can't stand up properly, or maybe you're full of cold and have a word for the emotion that is the fondness you feel for the last time you remember being able to breathe through your nose. Let me know friends.
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